Mindful Sexuality

Worrying about sex during sex?

August 13, 2021

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First of all, worrying about sex during sex is a thing, and if you experience it, you are certainly not alone. It is called spectatoring. Surprisingly, this term was coined by Masters and Johnson and it means watching yourself have sex as a third person and having an anxious, internal, self-conscious dialogue. This internal conversation can include worries about one’s body (“I wonder if they think I look fat”, “Is my penis too small?”) or about one’s sexual performance (“He’s bored, I took long to come”; “Will I be able to keep an erection?”). During spectator sex, a person is intently monitoring their partner and themselves. This experience involves shifting the focus from sensations and sexual experience to thoughts about performance and the act itself. 

Now, some of us have experienced this type of thinking a few times, or have these thoughts once in a while and they do not disturb or affect our sexual experiences. For some of us, this has become a non-stop conversion that is not allowing us to relax and enjoy love-making with our partners. As a result, it can cause high-performance anxiety. Also, it can reduce pleasure, and remove the desire to have any sex whatsoever. 

Still worrying about sex? One of the effective ways to refocus on the sexual experience is practicing mindful sex

Mindfulness helps you focus your attention on the present moment and what’s important on physical sensations and energy, vs thoughts in your mind. 

Mindfulness is not a one-time exercise. It is not something “we did try; it did not work”.

Above all, Mindfulness is an attitude; it is a lifestyle. The more we pay attention to the senses of our own body and the senses of our partners, the more we allow ourselves to feel and connect to the feelings of our partner, the deeper we can go in our sexual journeys. Mindfulness helps us to see what is present here and now – present in terms of our beliefs, fears, desires, and emotions. When we identify what is present, then we can work with it.  

For example, in sexual realms with mindfulness:

1. We can identify what is taking over our minds and work through it.

2. Start observing how our bodies respond to sensations and help us increase desire.

3. We can strengthen mind-body connections and experience our physical sensations on a much deeper level.

4. Helps develop healthier communication habits to express our experience in the present moment 

Mindfulness allows individuals to develop muscles for seeing and noticing their responses. It teaches us to sit through or move through experiences of pleasure or discomfort, instead of resisting (being angry) or numbing (eating or drinking), or running from it (gamble, gym, bars). It is a powerful tool to transform your sexual experience. 

Much Love and Joy,

Your coach