Mindful Sexuality

What is our intimacy mindset?

December 28, 2021

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A couple shares an intimate moment

Our intimacy mindset impacts how we see ourselves and others sexually, how we behave and respond sexually. It is a collection of our sexual beliefs and thoughts. 


Now you can read this and apply it to the relationship as a whole. If you are looking for a deeper transformation, it might be helpful to look into your mindset as a whole and into your relationship mindset, together with your sexual mindset. 


In intimacy realms, I see people having scarcity and abundance mindsets. 


Scarcity mindset comes from fear of not enough. People are usually looking for the perfect relationship, perfect partners, perfect sex, looking for validation through sex and relationships. As a result, this mindset distracts people creating the desire to look for more, for better, and at the same time fear holding them back from being truthful (because trust is very limited within this mindset)


Abundance mindset comes from the trust that it is enough. That is, our partner, and our relationships are enough. It allows us to be present, experience more pleasure at the moment, trust the process, take more risks, be more vulnerable, express our desires more. It allows us to grow within experiences.


Scarcity vs abundance when it comes to sex. How we define and approach sex determines our experience. 


Sexual scarcity mindset has two favorite ways it shows up. One, that sex comes naturally and we should know things just because we are human. This comes from fear of admitting that we don't know something and need to learn. It comes from fear of expanding inside of this “shameful” and private topic. 

Another way, scarcity comes is when we try to have as much sex as we possibly can. No matter good or bad, long or short is never enough. We always keep scores of more. 


The challenge might occur:  For example, when we think we know it all, and we apply one size to all of our intimate relationships because we are not open to exploring more. Whatever we do, we think we know better. 


Sexual abundance mindset: at first allows us to know that there is more to learn and experience. Trust that we are enough allows us to open to new discoveries and conversations. It is easier to let go of pride and say hey, this is new and scary but let’s try. 

People with a sexual abundance mindset, are more able to assess what is working and what is not because they are open to changes and exploration of new.

[to find out what is your sexual midset, take my Quiz]


Personal challenges:


Sexual scarcity mindset, allow relationships to define them and might be having a hard time feeling peace. No sex = no love. They might be overfocused on sexual meaning because they are scared to see the bigger picture of the full abundance that intimacy has to offer.


Also, scarcity mindset might stop people to experience intimate pleasure based on their age, body shape, external looks, body ability, etc…which might cause issues in their sexual confidence and sexual relationship. 


People of scarcity mindset are afraid to look “stupid” so they choose rather not to try.


Sexual abundant mindset, might still experience feelings around body changes but have much more acceptance, and do not allow that to stop them from experiencing pleasure. They are more adaptable to changes. Which allows their partners to feel more accepted as well. 


Sexual sacristy mindset, tends to lead towards feeling unworthy, unlovable, not desirable. Either because of past experiences or certain mainstream criteria, when we are driven by a scarcity mindset we are having a hard time accepting and thriving but rather focus on self-judgment. 


An abundance mindset is more likely to help us to heal and move on from past experiences and remove our focus from mainstream standards. Abundance mindset helps us to shine within internal energies and have a much stronger sense of confidence and comfort with our sexualities. 


Scarcity mindset leads us more often to focus on a partner's change, we are looking for their flaws. 


Abundance mindset leads us, more likely to focus on self-growth and on our own internal reflection. 


To be clear, one intimacy mindset is not better than the other, we need both at different times in life. And most of us have both. It is about creating awareness of the 2 mindsets and their impact, so you can make a conscious choice on what serves you and your relationship the best. 


This is not intended for you to shame people or self, nor to manipulate people into changing if they do feel so.


This is intended to create awareness. Our intimacy mindset comes from our roots and experiences and helps us to stay safe and survive many events in life. Some of them are really painful and dangerous. All of this is just information. 


In a fuller picture, the intimacy mindset goes beyond scarce and abundant. It has roots, branches, and fruits.


In order to see how our intimacy mindset impacts our sexual life, we need to expand beyond surface stories. 

We can identify our core sexual beliefs and see how they show up in our life. You can use a sexual mindset map in my course

Or do it by yourself, by asking self questions like how do I see sex? How do I see relationships? What is my definition of sexuality? How do I see my body? 

What are my sexual expectations? How comfortable am I talking about sexual matters? Is my sexual vocabulary accurate?

What external sources impact my intimacy mindset? 

Is your sexual mindset built on patriarchal beliefs?

Is your sexual mindset built on a religious foundation?

Write your sexual history to see a fuller picture of the impact

In order to be more giving and experience sexuality from abundance and service, we might take a look into what is holding us back. Subsequently, if you feel there is more for you to explore, you might benefit from mapping and seeing your “sexual brain”, to navigate past existing roads.