One of the common struggles couples have is the absence of passion in their relationship. Passion often diminishes over time and many couples want to find ways to bring it back into their relationships. Let’s look at how you can bring passion back into your relationship.
Passion in Relationships
As co-creators of life, we get to create whatever energy we would like to experience. Therefore, we are responsible for all that is present or missing in our lives and in our relationships.
Many couples believe that they need to bring back passion. What I try to teach is that they are not “bringing” back anything. They simply must create new experiences. Some couples did not necessarily start with passion in the relationship. In the beginning, the relationship was new and had a certain energy but, for many couples, polarity and erotism were not present at the beginning of the relationship – they had to be created.
So, today we will look at how we can create passion in your relationship.
How to Create Passion in a Relationship
Begin with yourself.
First, you want to ask yourself – am I passionate about my life and myself? Be honest. Do you feel the energy of life and joy flowing through your veins? If the answer is no, then you must start with yourself.
Before resenting your partner for not satisfying you, look at where you are not satisfying yourself. Where is your own energy keeping you stuck and holding you back?
If you answered yes and you absolutely love everything in your life, except the sexual flow in your relationship, then let’s find ways to increase the passion in your relationship.
Audit the passion in your current relationship.
Creating passion is a daily task. You get to cultivate a sexual energy the same way you eat, shower, and work daily. Passion does not start at 9 PM. Everything you do during the day impacts your sexual mood and sexual relationship!
Okay Julia, how do I create passion in my relationship?
Let’s talk strategies!
I know each person is different. Some people are struggling with a lack of desire or connection. Others really lack communication. Some couples have not had sex in six months, two years, or even 12 years. I cannot cover all situations in one post, but these are the first steps to take.
Ways to Bring Passion Back in your Relationship
Yes, I know this is pretty basic, but I am always amazed at how often we neglect communication. No one is a mind reader! It does not matter if you have been together two years or twenty-two years. I can assure you that, while your partner may know you very well, they are not a mind reader. They do not know how you feel or what you think unless you say it out loud to them (not to your partner’s brother, your best friend, or your momma).
I would also like to specify that social media does not count as communicating with your partner!
The passive-aggressive, “let me post a meme on FB and assume my partner will see it, read between the lines, and know that it was directed at them” social media posts are NOT communication.
Some communication is better than none.
You do not need to have all the answers and what you say does not have to be perfect, but you do have to start speaking. Here are some suggestions to be more successful in your communication:
Keep things clear, concise, and focused on the concerns and issues at hand.
Avoid bringing up things that happened 5-years ago and instead try to focus ONLY on your sexual relationship and the issues that are directly related to it.
Verbalize what is not working for you. Express how you are feeling and if there are any perceived feelings of inequality in the relationship. No one likes to feel taken advantage of, invalidated, unheard, unloved, or unsupported. No one.
Discuss with your partner how sex (or lack of sex) makes you feel. Then, problem-solve together.
Do not blame each other – acknowledge the current situation and focus on a solution.
Let’s look at an example.
If you feel too tired to be present in the relationship because you work a full-time job, run the household and raise children, discuss the problem with your partner. Figure out how to shift the imbalance of responsibilities together.
What tasks or obligations can one partner take on to lighten the other’s load and redistribute the responsibilities?
Keep in mind that while aiming to have complete balance in a relationship is ideal, it is a goal that is often out of reach. Responsibilities shift and flow throughout the relationship. The goal here is not a 50/50 delegation of tasks, but rather that both partners feel heard, validated, and supported in the relationship. Don’t forget – you are a team! You chose to have a relationship with this person for a reason.
Chose your partner every single day.
Make an effort within your relationship. Here are some basic ways to show you care.
Helping with housework because your partner had a long day.
Setting up the coffee maker for your partner who gets up early.
Expressing gratitude for and to your partner.
Volunteering to take care of dinner.
Asking your partner how their day was and really listening to their answer.
Sending a text to let them know you are thinking about them.
Leaving notes around your home with loving messages.
Whatever it is that communicates love, connection, and choosing your partner every day, do it. Find what works for you as a couple to connect and to make your partner feel chosen by you. When you chose them every day, the connection, passion, and spark will increase significantly.
Schedule a routine time to connect.
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
While it may sound unsexy to schedule a time to connect, it is vital! Your partner deserves the best of you, not what is left of you. The demands of life and simply forgetting to make sex a priority means we forget about it. Then, we are surprised when it doesn’t happen! It is like working all day and hoping that food will just appear in front of us without anyone making it.
Plan your time together. Maybe it is scheduling sex or scheduling time to do something together – just the two of you. Eliminate distractions and make your partner feel like the most important person on earth during this time. Make a plan that involves only the two of you connecting, in whatever way that feels meaningful and good for both.
Some couples forget about their friendship. Some ways to strengthen that friendship might include playing a board game, completing an escape room together, going on a road trip, or playing truth or dare.
Other couples might be ready for more sexual intimacy.
Cultivate your sexual energy.
Start by cultivating your sexual energy first. Yes, your individual sexuality comes first! If your sexual energy is not moved around, it becomes stagnant and begins to create blockages. What should you do to awaken your erotic energy? Look into the following areas of your life and determine where you need to focus.
Nutrition and physical movement
Sexual and emotional traumas
Enjoying your energy and allowing it to flow
Expressing your emotions
Safety and belonging
Cultivating your creativity
Solo sex / Masturbation
Ability to receive and experience pleasure
Connecting with your body
Eye connection with people
Increase the erotic energy in your relationship.
You might see your partner as your best friend, and they very well might be. You love them to the moon and back, and that is great, but sexual energy and passion in a relationship need to be cultivated. To do this, you need some hotness, erotism, and fire every day.
I know some of you don’t feel like touching your partner, let alone kissing them. You might need to reach out for support to see what type of work is needed because these are fundamental things that keep the passion alive.
Physical touch (hugging and kissing)
One easy goal to implement is giving your partner a six-second (minimum) greeting when they get home – six seconds to hug, kiss, touch them, say hello, look in their eyes, and connect – before the dog jumps on you both, the kids demand to be fed, and the phone rings. For those six seconds, your partner is the only thing that exists.
Choose a time to connect during the day and have longer eye-gazing sessions during the week. Many of my clients cannot look at each other for longer than a minute. This may be because eye-gazing allows us to see one another in a very vulnerable way. They are not comfortable with intimacy.
Here are other things to implement to bring passion back into your relationship.
Weekly erotic movement together
Watching erotic media together
Sharing your fantasies
Trying to go to bed together as much as possible
Going on real dates
Playing sexual games
Have an attitude of gratitude for your partner.
Express to your partner what you appreciate about them. Thank them when appropriate and pay attention to the small details! Acknowledge them for who they are and what they do. Help each other to feel seen and appreciated. Appreciate their sexuality and their body. Acknowledge their strength and beauty. Gratitude has a direct correlation with happiness. This is a fundamental part of bringing passion back in your relationship.
Switch it up to create passion.
Initiate sex and challenge your partner to try something different each time to keep things interesting, to rekindle the spark, and to make the relationship fun and unpredictable! Similarly, switch up when and where you have sex.
The kids are down for a nap? Take advantage of the fact and have a shower together! Your mother-in-law volunteered to keep them tonight? GREAT! You’ll see them tomorrow, so focus on your partner tonight.
Remember that sex is FUN and that the options are limitless if you are willing and able to put in some effort and to be creative.
“But Julia, we are tired and have no time!” Well, if you want different results, you might want to look into different behaviors. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The passion in your relationship is influenced by your priorities.
Download my guide on how to create a sacred space for sexual intercourse.
Stop parenting each other.
Unless you are doing age role play, or it is part of your power dynamics, you should not be parenting your partner. It is hard to resist because we usually feel that our way is the right way. But, no one likes to be told what to do and it kills the passion in your relationship. Falling into a parent-child dynamic is very common among long-term relationships, and it is one of the most popular sexual vibe killers. Here are some signs of parenting in relationships:
Telling your partner what they should and should not be doing.
Controlling your partner.
Babying your partner or enabling them.
Doing the work that your partner needs to be doing.
Acting as though your partner is fragile and will break.
Passion in Relationships
Keep making an effort to bring passion back into your relationship. You have choices every single day. Choose to speak to your partner from a place of love, compassion, curiosity, and understanding. Do not speak from a place of blame, judgment, and control.
If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, speak up! Problem-solve together! You can choose to do the dishes or to indulge in your partner. You have a choice to heal your wounds or to sweep them under the carpet.
Let go of blame and judgment and work as a team. Talk about what is not working and how you can move forward.
Most importantly, CHOOSE your partner, your relationship, and your level of sexual satisfaction in your relationship every single day. Prioritize yourself and your life energy.
Some of us have deeper wounds to look into. Some people need energy work to create intimacy with themselves first. Other people may need to identify why they are obsessed with sex – is it really just about sex? But regardless of where you are, most of us can benefit from sexual growth and the work that comes with it.
Much Love and Joy,