Mindful Sexuality

Five Phrases That Damage Sex Lives

October 19, 2020

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Belief systems for sexuality differ from person to person. These beliefs can impact the way we think and behave sexually. Some are positive, but others can haunt us for years. Here are five phrases that damage sex lives.

First Damaging Phrase

A penis is always hard and ready.

Our society is obsessed with hard penises. We associate a hard penis with power and strength. An erection is a representation of sexuality and masculinity.

A penis in any other form is considered inferior. A soft penis does not get as much attention, love and respect as a hard one. Society has created a desire for this form and thus, people are easily conned into buying creams, powders, and pills to induce erections.

As a society we put value on erections and therefore place expectations on men. The problem is many men tie their worth to how their penis looks and performs.

Penis owners (and not only) think an erected penis makes them manlier and that it is a requirement for sexual success. If a penis does not reach the expected form, it creates anxiety and low self-esteem. It can affect the partner’s sense of worth too. When the penis does not get hard immediately, the partner begins to wonder if something is wrong with them. (” I am ugly”, “they are not attracted to me”)

By freeing ourselves from this belief, we take the pressure away from penis holders to perform. They stop tying their worth to an erection. We also give freedom to the partners. They will not measure their own worth based on the hardness of their lover’s penis. We open up other beautiful opportunities for sexual connections. We take away our focus from the genitals and turn the entire body into a sexual canvas.

Second Damaging Phrase

Good girls wait to have sex.

Some women wait to have sex a few months after meeting someone. Others choose to wait until marriage, others choose to have sex right away. But, society teaches us to use sex as a commitment barometer. Women are told that not engaging in sex for at least 5 dates will create a stronger commitment from their partner. This occurs in hereto sexual relationships often. It is the women’s job to cultivate a sense of commitment by holding men on a “no sex” leash. 

Some people prefer to wait and get comfortable with their partner before engaging in sex. This is normal. Everyone gets to choose their own timing. However, sex should not be a way to attract or keep a partner. This way of using sex creates wrong associations for people and blocks authentic sexual relationships. It is sexual manipulation. 

Sex is not a psychological barter system. Just because society and marketers use sexuality to manipulate partnerships, does not mean that’s the true meaning of sex. 

Sometimes, society teaches people to use sex as a reward carrot. We should give it to our partners to show they deserve it. But, it’s not smart to give it too fast too because we will look like sluts and no one will want us. Somehow, there should be a perfect balance between not too soon and not too late.  

Third Damaging Phrase

The purpose of sex is life long bonding.

Sexual intercourse is a powerful experience that creates love and bonding hormones. It creates the feeling of belonging. We exchange our energy with a partner and therefore feel a sense of attachment. All of that is powerful and beautiful, but it does not mean it leads to life long bonding. To have the experience mentioned above is enough of a reason to have sex. It’s okay to experience pleasure and a sacral connection, to exchange energies, to feel wanted and serve others with love. 

To desire long lasting relationship and having sexual experiences only with potential long-term partners is absolutely great too. You can choose to have share your body and energy only in committed relationships.

However, this does not mean that the only purpose of sex is to bond us forever. Sex is an energetic and physical experience. It does not belong to any institution. It’s our expression of freedom, love and worth. 

Fourth Damaging Phrase

For better sex, you need to find someone you love.

Another damaging belief is that if you want better sex, you need to fall in love. Sex is not satisfying if you don’t love the person. You just need to find someone you love and then the magic will happen. This way of thinking can be damaging. I will dissect it for you as easily as possible.

The love we fantasize about will not result in good sex, or sex at all. You can love someone and not desire them. They might not desire you. There might be love, but a lack the sexual experience or education. Love does not magically create great sex.  

At the same time, sex does not need love to exist. A person needs respect, passion, polarity, ability to be present and a desire to serve and be served. When a person has these qualities, they can have great sex even without love.

We need love to create a sacred and powerful experience. But it is love on a bigger scale. We need love for ourselves. A love that creates a desire to serve. An admiration for the body can help you understand you deserve pleasure. Of course LOVE makes everything better, but it is not a requirement.

Can you have phenomenal sex that lasts with the person who you have not even spoken to. Yes! You don’t need to know their history to have amazing sex with them. 

In summary, the thought that love will guarantee sex is an illusion that generates lots of hope and mistaken expectations.

Fifth Damaging Phrase

Get to know them before having sex with them.

Some people need to reach a certain level of safety and trust before having sex. Everyone can decide when it is the right time for them. There is not a set time requirement of when to have sex. You can chose to get to know someone, or not.

On the other hand, I can tell you that sex is one of the best ways to get to know someone. It is a very vulnerable moment. Your partner’s reactions, beliefs, and even wounds can be exposed. You can feel when they are guarded and when they are their true self. You can learn about their level of connection and ability to be present.

I was dating a handsome, outspoken, God-oriented, smart, hilarious, and powerful entrepreneur. He had it all. But he struggled with intimacy and sex. Right away he put up guards, disconnected, and become avoidant. During intercourse, he would be very destination-oriented. This is common with type-A personalities. In his head, he was trying to figure things out. For me, it was spiritually painful to experience.

Some time passed and I learned that there were some personal experiences in his life that impacted his ability to connect intimately. But sadly, even with his powerful ability to read other people, he could not see his own blocks and was not ready to heal. If I did not experience that with him from the beginning, I would have surely fallen deeply in love with him, and would not have had the sex life I deserve and love.

The Next Step

Society has created a sexual mindset for us, and it is our responsibility to look into our belief systems so we can clean things that are blocking our freedom and taking away our power. Download my Sexual Mindset Inventory to help you identify what is holding you back. 

With love and joy, 

Julia 

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